things i said, in my head, in response to customers

"no, dear, we don't do a delivery service"

"well done, nice to see you're trying. but a good first step would be to put that doughnut down"

"did we not specify on the application form: Must Be Clean?"

"did we not specify on the application form: must possess opposable thumbs?"

"if you let that child spit on the carpet once more, i shall spit on your child"

"yes, and if you really want to talk to your angels, can i suggest alcohol"

"yes, but she's probably scared. lets face it, you are a rapist in waiting"

" i don't like you, please don't pull that ingratiating racism on me"

"the point of breasts as a feature is fine; but my dear you look like a child's picture of the sea"

"he may be gay, but still, you're a cunt"

"he's thinking my owner's a human doughball"

"i don't remember the war; no, i don't remember the war; no i don't remember rationing."

"Jesus hates you; you know that don't you? in fact he probably thinks you need a shag"

"please don't come any nearer; ew, god, no"