well, the new training sessions trundle on, with the less than earth shattering news that nothing new is really being told to us. however many branch managers, and other managers (regional or otherwise) hole up in a hotel or whatever for a day or two, and discuss (or are told, I'm unsure which)the interesting ways in which we are going to improve customer service,thus making customer cheerful gaily book-buying dreamkittens, and in turn making The Company lots of lovely money. good plan, eh?
well, then you see what they come back with. firstly the fact that people like us to be polite, approachable and friendly. this really hadn't occurred to me whilst hacking the heads off small children within plain view of them, and scowling at all moments; in fact i had rather assumed that Bookshop was a term, like Massage parlour, that is used euphemistically for a place where one goes to be verbally assaulted, hidden from, and occasionally beaten with a copy of Brewer's Mythology. you know, the sort of place Conservative MPs like to relieve themselves of their salaries in.
next, we discovered that sometimes people SAY things that mean one thing, whilst their body language.facial expression MEANS something completely different. again, a new one on me. i had presumed the clientele were all flab-fisted versions of Kryten from Red Dwarf, completely unable to be anything less open sincere darlings. which was why, i assumed that their faces were sooo downturned and slack because they are locals and therefore not always of the best upbringing, and prone to debilitating bouts of what Doctors diagnose as Slumpyface ( a congenital weakening of the facial muscles leaving one with the appearance of a badly worked-over corpse in a strop).
so, we are all to concentrate hard on making ourselves approachable and friendly. i am determined to do this, and shall spend my whole morning (instead of stickering books, shelving books, answering the phone, sorting displays and tidying sections) stroking a beautiful ginger longhaired cat called Algernon and occasionally telling him ribald tales which will make him snigger in a catlike way. this will leave me feeling so warm and loved, that i shal greet every customer with an affectionate pat on their head, and offer them to come to mine for a sherry and a Brandy Snap stuffed with lashings of cream. this, i feel, will instil a true bonding and kinship betwixt me and Daz, Shaz, and Mrs Tweedy-Volvovulva.
Later in my daily workings my manager comes up and cheerfully says:
"Thankyou for your input into today's session, Rabid, there were some really productive points you made..... this week" .the implication, though more of a battering round the chops with a large bottlenose dolphin, being that i was less than helpful in last weeks session. Now in last week's session we were discussing the marvels of the Loyalty card, and how it's possessors spent on average a good 30% more every visit. now, Temerity being in fact my middle names, i merely pointed out that this figure should be treated sceptically. Manager tries to allay my scepticism (ha, as if ANYONE could) by repeating the fact in a more precise and convinced way (a tone that was hissing at me "these marvellous facts cometh from Our Great Overlords; THEY SHALL NOT BE DOUBTED!"). why is it people expect you to believe something more on second telling? i made the point (a cogent one, i thought) that this did not establish that the loyalty card made people spend more, merely that those who had them did spend more, and i suggested a more likely reason for this was that people who spent more were more likely to take up the loyalty card offer. the fact couldn't establish cause and effect. i also had issues with not knowing how the information was obtained(the criteria of the survey, etc), and more importantly was very sceptical as to how we could obtain any accurate info on non-loyalty card customers (esp. those who spent cash.)
alright, so i must admit a deep-seated distrust of people in marketing/strategy/HR departments of business. all those splendid folk who come up with these schemes. they are basically Management consultants on permanent contract. i have no idea why i should trust their facts, or ideas, or really whether they are competent. fact is, most of those people I've met in these roles are a bit simple, and seem to treat their "discoveries" (obvious things like body language, behavioural patterns,etc) like they are outrageous works of genius. they aren't. And i certainly don't trust them to evaluate their own proposals' success. would you trust an inquiry into a company run by that company in pretty much secret? didn't think so. furthermore, as any scientist or social scientist will tell you, you can skew any investigation or research to support what you propose if you frame its terms properly. That's what drugs companies do,and it is the reason why within a week you'll hear that Bread is bad for you from one group of scientists, and that it is good for you from another.
but i don't think my scepticism was particularly unwarranted in this instance. the point was valid, as was my other point about how basic civil principles(politeness, helpfulness, using knowledge) are passed off as a grand new science that Our Overlords have discovered. There's a brilliant episode of Blackadder where they propose to "sail round the Cape of Good Hope"; the real plan being to sail to France, spend a few weeks or months there, come back tanned and pick up the money and glory. you can't help feeling these types do something similar. Only, this is the really disturbing thing, they genuinely think their ideas are new, and clever,and scientific. (everything has to be scientific in business. it's the economic myth of The Economy, a vast complex mechanism that gives everyone what they want: Economics and business as virtual laws of physics backed up by maths, and rigorous science. people are no longer people, erratic, whimsical, they are to be studied and measured like rats. you can't tell an economist that people don't have to behave the way they predict, they will not have it. And if enough people break their rules, they merely start doing studies to measure our unpredictability, so that that can be noted and predicted. so if we don't do A, we'll do B or even C; but we obviously won't do D,E,F...)
anyway...... *breathes out* all in all it's been an aggravating couple of days at work; the severe strain of Drusilla accusing me of being rude to weekend staff, after i put a in the diary on silly mis-shelved items, has just about worn off. i was torn between boiling rage and doubled-up laughter (probably my usual state now i think of it....).darn someone should give that fucking pot a mirror before he starts calling the kettle black. but such is Drusilla since she was given power; some folk carry on being nice normal human beings, others want to march into the Sudetenland instantly. Dru is definitely the latter, and i really will not take much more of it. Her
idiocy will not protect her, a swift "fuck off" is possible if I'm pushed.
Her usage of the phrase "it's all good" is enough to make me Gothricidal. I HATE that phrase. it is NOT all good. i am not going to assume yr naive carefree "anything goes!" attitude into my life. things are not All Good. far fucking from it.the phrase just reeks of Capitalist Populism trading on relativism. wanna coffee? "its all good" want a book with that? "its all good" wanna to put Dido on the stereo? "its all good" wanna kill six people before turning the gun on yrself? "IT'S ALL GOOD" bah, fucking humbug. some things are good, some are not. most of the things Drusilla does are certainly bloody not. speak some sodding truth you gormless girl.
now, i go before i implode.
love to you all, hope auntie Beryl's thrush has cleared up!
icture at the top is Morning Sun by Edward Hopper
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