are not my pastures so lovely and new?? eh?

well, no not really. its largely stability. but new things are occurring for me, quite big new things. OK, so its nothing to dislodge Obama-McCain from the front pages, or make me a redtop regular like that darn Cheryl Cole (now, am i not more interesting, surely than that racist old moose?), but its a still something in the mundane litany that is life.
my course finally starts this week, and whilst I'm still in the "oooh, its gonna be so great" stage, and I'm also into the "shit, now I'm scared" stage. its not even a conscious thing, just a generally nerviness; i had a bad nights sleep for the first time in a couple of months the other day, all fear, panic etc. part of the usual fear/anxiety attack package. its not surprising, new places, new people, and plenty of opportunity for me to embarrass myself in some way. of course I'm not trying to think like this at all, drawing on the marvellous kind remarks of all and sundry (who seem to think I'm more suited to doing this course than is actually possible), and remember I'm actually entering an area I'm good at, and engaged by. but unlike my first time at uni, this time i have invested a lot of money, and, more importantly, hope into this. i don't think I've ever wanted so desperately to do well at something in my life. the first time round everyone was going, my expectations weren't high (i wasn't the greatest student at school, believe it or not, in spite of people's impressions), my uni wasn't considered great (though i can't speak highly enough of those who taught me, and put me on this course), and i just went with a fairly open mind. this time , a desire for success weighs slightly heavier on my bony little frame. frankly this is as close to ambition as i get; its my cup semi-final, if you will. now, I'm fairly certain of my abilities, and fairly certain of my work being as good as any, but after 6 years out it still feels big. and there's a little man in a quasi-SS uniform saying "zere can be no failure!!"
so its tense. but i should be fine, once i get past the first few days.
on a brighter side, i am still in the gainful employment of Satan's Own Bookseller, but now for the diminished hours of about 16 a week. enough to keep my wallet ticking over nicely, and able to buy the odd drink for the Ammah et al.work is rapidly going down the chute, frankly, so I'm glad to have it in a less prominent place in my life. The company's ability to do whats in its own best commercial interests in our store gets more lamentable every day. despite the masters getting the big bookseller gong, I'm sure on the ground level in many branches it's a mess. i know it is at ours. too many head office edicts that counteract each other and divert us from keeping our most basic services running efficiently (IE customer orders, and books shelved and in the right place etc.). we have an increasing lack of order, and an increasing inability to stay on top of deliveries and duties, that is largely due to staff cuts and new staff being inexperienced. also, head office, and their henchwoman in the form of our regional manager, do not know when to ditch an idea because its impracticable in our particular store; their continued interference in store layout is meaning sections are fitting very badly. fact is, the workers in shop know the capacities of the sections, and the best way to keep them. they've needlessly meddled in the layout to the detriment of organisation, and thus, sales. the other day i counted a loss of £80 sales in a day because i couldn't find the books customers were after; i think this can be a similar figure for each person. its a lot of money. and the main reason is the layout changes and staff cuts. its very silly.
furthermore, good staff are leaving due to dissatisfaction and stress, and the some of the part-timers are not up to the increased responsibility on them. i can think of one specific example in particular, and i have no idea why he's being offered the hours. this Xmas could be the most shambolic in my time there; with less staff,and more inexperienced staff in charge of completely inexperienced Xmas temps.it will not be good. we've over-relied on the ability of replacing key experienced booksellers with weekenders, and now the we're dependent on them. dependent beyond their abilities or experience. it will be interesting, at the very least.
hopefully, for my self at least, less hours will = less caring and the ability to leave knowing I've done my best, and i don't have a come back for 5 days.

apologies, for general earnestness of this whole blog, but you know, if i only wrote when feeling funny, it'd be twice a year. and you REALLY wanna know my progress don'cha? :)

keep you're best end up, my children